When it comes to finding new and exciting ways to conduct warfare, who gives battle more innovatively (or frequently) than the U.S.? So I wasn’t too surprised at recent news reports intimating that we’re having a secret war in Pakistan. Not with Pakistan, of course. We don’t fight countries much anymore. It’s those damn terrorists. Wherever you go, there they are. It’s gotten to the point where we can invade pretty much any country at random and bingo! A bunch of terrorists is there waiting to fight us. In places like Pakistan, you have to fight the damn terrorists on the QT, because, as I understand it, if the Pakistanis ever find out they’ll get so mad they’ll overthrow their government, the one we’re propping up, and then the terrorists will become the government and the war will get bigger, noisier, bloodier, more expensive and worst of all, incredibly non-secret. They’re very touchy, those Pakistanis. Fortunately, we’ve developed stealthy weapons such as the Predator Drone, which lurks around the skies, ducking behind clouds a lot. When in the open, it whistles, looks casual and pretends to be a tourist. Should it spot an enemy, it drops a rather subtle and unassuming guided missile on him. This way, we avoid having a few hundred thousand noisy, sweaty troops clomping around the countryside, which is always a dead giveaway that there’s a war on. So the thing is, whatever you do, don’t tell the Pakistanis. If you know a Pakistani, talk with him about sports, weather, fashion, the new season of Lost, anything but war.
American liberals can’t quite face the fact that if their man does win in November, and if he has meant a single serious word he’s ever said, it means more war, and more bitter and protracted war at that—not less.